so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize