I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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