I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize