my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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