god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
