Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
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regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
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You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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