Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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