i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
