I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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