Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize