she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Randomize
