life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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