Just fell off a train. Bad.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
