my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
