I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
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No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
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