just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
