Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
This couple is walking their pig around campus
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
