we have officially lost it.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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