It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
