Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
