I wish my penis had an off switch
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
