You're my little dorito
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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