I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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