Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
