I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
