I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
foreskin is a definite game changer
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
