I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
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I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
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You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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