I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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