God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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