I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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