you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit