Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
