Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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