he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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