Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
