i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
