I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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