God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
