he looks like a really good dad on facebook
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
