i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
