Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
