I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
