He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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