I only kidnapped one of them. chill
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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