I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
