I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
