Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Buhtt sex?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
