Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
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