You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
