i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
