At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
