guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
What a fucking waste of an outfit
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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