Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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