the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
