I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
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